Agent_Moldy:
"The symbols? Computer-generated pictures of the souvenirs I've collected from shows I've axed over the years. Heh, nothing says 'power' quite like pissing off a ton of viewers by cancelling a great show. I'm evil that way. See the little sideways 'Crow' head to my left, just below my ear? Yep, one of my proudest moments was giving that show the boot. Hey, speaking of...BRING ME THE HEAD OF TOM SERVO!!! Heh-heh-heh-heh..."
144b:
The strange cryptic letters are of Bonnie Hammer's alphabet. Hammer's Hammerbet, is to replace the traditional alphabet in order to work better with computers & other data entry methods.
"I don't see why those guys at the bottom of the screen wouldn't stay quite during the movie."
Direct quote from Hammer's autobiography, "Cause I Say So!"
suggs:
It says 'Blonde, 6'4", likes sunsets and margs. Not into head games, but likes learning new words.'
Mr_Grant: [Split into 3 parts by me (Moldy) because it's so long
KEY UNLOCKS SECRET OF ANCIENT COMMERCE. Dateline New New New York- Gates 24, 3042 (United Press Intergalactic)-- A team of business-archeologists at Donald Trump University unveiled a breakthrough in the quest to understand the commercial entertainment industry of the late 20th and early 21st centuries. Professor Winslow Parcel-Service, Dean of Trump's Sam Walton School of Marketing Paleontology, unveiled the ancient artifact, dubbed "The Hammer Stone", at a sell-out press conference yesterday. Likened to the Rosetta Stone, which allowed linguists to understand Egyptian hieroglyphics, the Hammer Stone has been discovered to be the key to understanding the programming decisions of the ancient "television channel" known as Sci-Fi...
Mr_Grant:
...A cheap plastic rectangle covered with symbols, the 'stone' bears a likeness of Bonnie Hammer, now known to be Sci-Fi's ruler or 'Queen Bitch' during the time period in question. "For years we have had the Sci-Fi Glyphs in our possession, but they have resisted our attempts to decipher them," said Parcel-Service. "We never had a common reference for relating them to Sci-Fi's actual programming decisions. Now, with the unearthing of the Hammer Stone, we at last have that common reference." It turns out that Bonnie Hammer herself is the key. Parcel-Service explained that glyph translation became obvious when the research team saw the face. "We immediately realized that a person like Bonnie Hammer, in charge of a crumbling corporate empire, threatened by genre programming by TNT, WB, UPN, syndication, and even TNN, would begin to make programming decisions arising from her own personal needs and insecurities..."
Mr_Grant:
...Thus, Hammer's thick, unmanagable hair explains the decision to carry advertising for Topsy Tail. Her moustache is the reason for repeated airings of the Nads commercial, and Parcel-Service links the adipose cheeks with incessant ads for Subway Sandwiches, Slim-Fast, Dexatrim, and others. Dry, overtan skin is linked with the obsession with Dune. The crossed arms indicate upper-body insecurity-- "silicone bra inserts". But what of the biggest mystery, The Invisible Man? "Look at her nose. The obvious rhinoplasty reveals a deep-seated desire to make herself smaller-- if not INVISIBLE!" The team that made the discovery in addition to Prof. Parcel-Service included Dr. Fred L. Express, Dr. Earl Scheib, and Dr. Kay Mart.
Generik:
o/` "I love a man who reads cuneiform..." o/`
teambanzai:
Tim White after gender reassignment. Now you know why Sightings is still on the schedule.
Shandi:
Would you like a career as an Ambassador to Other Planets? Well, send your self addressed, stamped envelope to the address listed on your screen!
Soozcat:
"No, ma'am, cymbals, I said bring CYMBALS!"
HoneyT:
o/"I'm a smug bitch, look what I can do...I can read Esperanto too...and I can shove a stick up my hole!!!! Mommy...WOW!!! I'm a crack ho now!"
ArtMystery:
"You got Zoroastrianism in my Scientology!" "You got Scientology in my Zoroastrianism!" Two great bogus religions, together being shilled by one clueless blonde bimbo! What's not to like?
Buffoon:
..and these are just a few of the signals women send out that we men don't understand, and never will.
WEIRD_1:
It's my new hands on video game, instead of a joystick, you use a 4 pound hammer. Now that's Pac-Man Fever
Gowest:
And here is my picture as I ride the Men in Black ride in Orlando for the 4th time. I got top score this time.
rickubis:
I can never figure out those little smileys on email, can you? So, I've made up my own "Blondiecons".
Lanzman:
"...and this chart explains why we're doing two more seasons of 'Crossing Over' while passing all rights to 'Star Trek' over to what used to be the Nashville Network!" gushes clueless television executive.
Geier:
Unfortunately, the alien pictograms describing the means to end poverty, bigotry, and war were said to be decipherable only by some sort of female Canadian television personality who insisted that if it wasn't in her contract, she wasn't doing it. "No freebies, period!" she was heard to mutter.
joe678:
Name: Bonnie Hammer
Age: 50 trying desperately to look 20
Occupation: Canceller of popular puppet show
Accomplishments: Black Scorpion, Blind Reading with John Edward
Meaning of symbols: "Damn if I know. Have you seen my Aqua-Net?"
Favorite hair care product: Summer Blonde by Clorox
Favorite scotch: Inver House, Cutty Sark, Old Factory Whistle, "Rub"
malaclypse:
Game shows of the future: "Bob, tell them what they've won!" "Well, Dan, they've won a bea-u-tee-full array of space invaders icons!"
questor:
"With the use of linear regression analysis, Ms. Hammer proves that her head not only fits neatly up her ass, but has been there for some time."