Agent_Moldy:
"Simmons, I've heard nothing but the best about your work."
"Why, thank you, sir!"
"Yyyes, you are _definitely_ the kind of team player we like around here. Your willingness to take your beatings and rapings without complaint have not gone unnoticed, which is why we're promoting you to Head B*tch, effective immediately."
"Me??? REALLY??? *sniff* Oh, sir, it would be my honor."
"Think nothing of it, Simmons. Now then, back to your cell."
"You won't regret this, sir!"
bugwber:
"So, you're not wearing any pants either, hunh? You're hired!" (Not unlike some of the strangest job interviews I've been on...)
Steve_Reeves:
Sacco and Vanzetti plot their next move:
"Once we get rid of all the shoe factory foremen and security guards, who do we go after next?"
"Haberdashers and dog catchers?"
"Nah! To obvious!"
"Tailors and street sweepers?"
"Too bourgeois!"
"Dry cleaning fluid salesmen and hot dog vendors?"
"Ah, ha! Now you're on to something!"
144b:
So, Mr.O'Reiley, I think we may need someone else beside your invisible friend, Clabber Meinhaine here to co-sign your car loan.
DiscoBoy:
Right: "I'm afraid you're a little old for our Backstreet Boys or O-Town positions. Frankly, the only positions we have open right now are with Destiny's Child, who is always hiring. But they only take black women."
Left: "Not a problem, sir! I'll change whatever I have to to get the job!"
SpydieGirl:
"Sounds like a fine plan for your life, boy, a fine plan. Now, about your soul...."
nastinkers:
Jim wasn't getting the kind of raise he was expecting. He was getting an entirely different kind...
BlakHat1:
*insert tired old Monty Python reference here*
TeekieT:
"...Studied pre-law at Harvard...Completed your graduate study at Yale: Finished in the top 3% of your class... Passed the BAR on the first try with very impressive scores! ...Spent your summers with various inner city Americans providing free legal advice. ..Hmmm, very impressive!
BUT HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO SUCK C*CK FOR COCAINE... HHMM? UNTIL YOU'VE GONE DOWN ON SOME GUY FOR BLOW, YOU DON'T KNOW SH*T! YOU SICKEN ME...GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"
Generik:
David Duchovny has been making the rounds of employment offices all over LA since his stint on The X-Files has come to an end... "Look, I've got a wife and a kid to support, I'll take anything you've got! Anything!...Oh, and have you seen my ass?"
Lanzman:
"I heard you need a new Timmy."
Mr_Grant:
~We only have a few openings young Mr Churchill, but why don't you tell me about your work experience and I'll see what I can find for you.
~Well... I was born into a large family fortune that stretches back hundreds of years... Had everything handed to me on a silver platter... Supervised a large household staff... Best university, picnics watching the boat races in summer... Oh, and nearly forgot, I joined the Army on a lark and fought the Boers in Africa.
~Well, that's very impressive! How does Wartime Prime Minister sound to you?
~I wasn't planning on entry level but... what the hell!
*they shake hands*
WEIRD_1:
"Your resume' looks great. Your references speak highly of your butt kissing and boot licking skills.
The one from your current boss calling you the "World's Best Yes Man" is the best reference I've ever read. Can you start working on Monday at half of what you make now?"
Nyssa23:
"I'm sorry Jimmy, we just don't have any positions for professional essay-writers right now, but we'll give you a call."
Geier:
"Why YES, sir, I DO own a pair of crotchless leather chaps! ...Though I don't really understand what that has to do with a position in Accountancy."
"Well, son, Chippendales Inc. is a large and diverse concern, and Accountancy is only one of our divisions..."
teambanzai:
I'm sorry, Ted, but chronic masturbation does not qualify under the Americans With Disablities act. We're going to have to let you go... Wait, you're not.... SECURITY!!!!
Shandi:
*man on right* "Are you here selling for Amway?"
*man on left* "No, Mr. Bush, I'm here about George. He's gotten us into trouble again, but I think I've got the stuff here on my lap to solve the problem..."
Buffoon:
"...and if you do give me the job, I'll marry your ex-wife, ridding you of those pesky alimony payments!" "Welcome to the company!"
joe678:
"Well, Mr. Linkletter, what qualifications do you have that would be pertinent to our job opening as secretary/treasurer of NAMBLA?" "Well, Mr. Kefauver, I can make kids do the darndest things..."